im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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