I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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