I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
