We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
