I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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