Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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