my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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