The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
