Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
