I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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