I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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