My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
