If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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