Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
