I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
