Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
