It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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