we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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