Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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