If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
