He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
