The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he thought i was a dude.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
