did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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