the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
