At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
