come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
