So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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