I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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