On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
