His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
