I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
