he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
