Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
