i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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