just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
