Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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