Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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