Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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