I got chris browned last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
