So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
