My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
