But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
