Sry I called you an 8
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Vodka?
Forever.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
