I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
