He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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