i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
