omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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