maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
