My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
