Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
