come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
