I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
