I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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