I wanna passion pit in your ass
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
