i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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