That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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