I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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