i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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